A friend and student of mine reached out with some questions regarding meditation practice and mindful living. I took some time to expand on my answers. The following is our correspondence.
1. Some meditation exercises are just 2 sentences — easy to remember. But some of them are really long. So I wonder, are some designed for guided meditation only? Should I memorize them if I don't have a partner for guided meditation? What do you usually do? Do/did you practice anything besides TM [Transcendental Meditation] at all?
Meditation exercises can range from one word mantras to entirely memorized sutras. I recommend finding whatever resonates with you and sitting with it for a bit. Regardless of length, if something speaks to you, read it a few times, think about it, write it out or take notes. If it’s too much to memorize, or it’s just too much work, you can always make a cellphone voice recording reciting the meditation, and you can listen to it while you meditate. Also, there are a lot of audiobooks that contain the same meditation exercises; Thich Nhat Hanh for instance has a whole series of recorded talks and books. So does Eckhart Tolle. The Santa Clara public library system has tons of cds and free audio downloads. Amazon sometimes has free audible downloads if you have a Prime account with them.
For something like The Sutra on the Full Awareness of Breath, I typed and printed out the 16 different phrases (you can also copy/paste from online text), and I use that paper to look over if I lose my focus during meditation. I do practice TM [Transcendental Meditation] twice a day for 25 minutes, but I also practice mindful breathing, mindful walking, eating, and body awareness throughout the day, especially at night before I go to sleep. I’m always in the middle of reading a new book on mindfulness, zen, meditation, Buddhism, etc, so I’m constantly learning more ideas and incorporating that into my practice. Even as I type this, I’m staying with my breath, feeling the physical sensations of typing, staying with my body while sitting at the kitchen table.
2. Do you think it's really possible to love all people? I mean there's a research that shows that a 5 second first impression is all we need to decide if we like this particular person or not. And I feel like it's true, sometimes I just look at someone and I already don't like her/him. You've been practicing mindfulness definitely more than I have. Have you noticed any changes in how much you love other people?
Sure, it’s possible to love all people, but what does that mean? Love is a word that means so many different things to so many people. I would recommend you create your own personal definition and have it grow in your life that way. In my view, the idea of “loving all people” is more about having love and forgiveness for myself and not hating anyone. I’ve just started looking into my own issues of self-hatred, so this is still a new concept to me, but I have noticed that by practicing self-compassion, I’m able to connect with everyone around me on a deeper, more present level. Whether it’s a student that has a question after class, or a friend or family member on the phone, I feel like I’m consistently expanding my ability to be more awake in my interactions. I’m able to feel open, to show compassion and understanding through presence, awareness, which is all a type of love in and of itself.
Often times, the idea of “love all people” gives the impression that you need to go around hugging everyone all the time. But it doesn’t need to be that explicit. In my view, true love and understanding is deeper than a superficial show of affection; it’s a feeling that you cultivate within yourself and share with others by staying open with them, whomever they may be. If you feel a certain way about someone, allow yourself to feel it, notice the feeling, but stay open—you don’t need to close yourself off. In other words, love shouldn’t be a rule, or something that you have to do. Your presence is enough; the greatest gift to someone is your awareness, your mindful attention. That's love.
3. Can you imagine the world in which everyone is mindful and fair and happy? Isn't it utopia? Do you really think it can be achieved? And if not, wouldn't be mindfulness considered as weakness by those who have no clue what mindfulness is? For example, kids interactions: if someone bullies my daughter, I can teach her to be mindful, but chances are that she'll get to be bullied even more; or I can teach her to fight back, which wouldn't be mindful but I’m pretty sure it would be effective. And adults are not much different, are they?
It’s counterproductive and naive to imagine a world where everything is the same, be it religion or mindfulness or value system or whatever. The concept of a utopia is specific to someone’s view based on their cultural and social conditioning. Everyone has their own idea of a utopia, it’s different from person to person. That’s why there are so many wars and so much suffering in the world: people think that there should only be one way to think, one way to worship, one way to live. It’s close-minded and it’s destructive. So no, a world where everyone is mindful in the exact same way would not be good, nor is it a realistic idea. That's not the goal of mindfulness.
Mindfulness, true mindfulness, is never a weakness. It’s a knowledge of who you are, an unshakeable feeling of strength and truth. It’s something that everybody wants to realize for themselves but so few actually do. Being mindful is not a competition; it’s not something that you can get bullied over. If you’re in touch with who you are and how your mind and body work in relation to your life, then being mindful can only help you. Whether you walk away from a bully, argue with them, or confront them physically, to be aware and not be overtaken with rage or fear or violence is the ultimate gift to yourself. Kids can be awful to one another, but if you explain how mindfulness can help deal with strong emotions, then they’ll have a better understanding of themselves and how to deal with whatever situation may arise. They may also feel compassion for the person bullying them, because they'll recognize that the bully doesn't know how to deal with their emotions in a healthy way. Mindfulness isn’t just sitting there while people berate or bully you. It’s not a passive kind of existence. You can defend yourself; you just do so mindfully. It’s an active awareness that gives you control over your emotions, your thoughts, your body, and importantly, your actions.
The biggest problem with adults is they didn’t learn how to be mindful as kids, so they’re all just playing out old scripts that they’ve used ever since they can remember, mindlessly acting out unconscious thoughts and behaviors that they feel they have no control over. Count me out on that—I’ll practice mindfulness. Besides, people are infinitely meaner to themselves and create more self-inflicted pain than their bullies could ever hope to accomplish. If you can recognize and deal with the bully inside your head, you can deal with anything and anyone.
4. Isn't fear (not anxiety) our biggest motivation? I mean, sure someone might be afraid to lose a job and not be able to provide for his family, but isn't that what keeps him going? If not this fear what's the point of having a job at all?
From a biological level, yes, fear is a huge motivating factor for survival. It’s what has kept us alive as the human race. But the problem is that fear tends to run the show for so many people. They stay in jobs they hate because they’re afraid of losing the very job they hate; they stay in dysfunctional relationships because they fear the feeling or idea of being alone. There’s a difference between being in fear because you’re about to get hit by a car while crossing the street, and being scared of changes in your life. One is true survival instinct, the thing that keeps us alive and breathing; the other is conditioned behavior, an unconscious pain pattern, one that usually hurts us way more than it helps. I don’t want to live a life where fear is the prime motivational factor that keeps me going. I’ve lived in unconscious fear and anxiety for the vast majority of my life, and now that I've started to wake up, I vow to never let that be a driving force in my behavior again. People do horrible things out of fear. It keeps them from truly living.
I still feel scared and anxious sometimes, that’s human. But being aware and mindful of what I’m feeling allows me to choose what I want to actually do about it. I have control. I’m no longer acting out my fear. If other people do it, that’s their prerogative; living unconsciously through fear, anger, and anxiety is amazingly common. But that doesn't mean it's healthy or productive. It’s your choice if you want to live in fear or from a place of calm and clarity. I choose the latter.
5. Do monks and devout meditators look happy to you? When I read about it, it seems that meditation is supposed to address only painful, extreme or 'bad' emotions. But when I look at monks I don't feel like they're enjoying 'good' emotions in full. Is meditation turning all the emotions (good and bad) into mediocre emotions? I mean, monks do not look happy - they look indifferent. Don't you think? And isn't it boring? Have you ever been happy to feel angry? Or scared? People scare themselves for joy all the time, for instance, on rollercoasters.
Yes, meditation can give the impression that you need to remain stoic, unflinching, not feeling anything, totally numb to the world. But that’s not accurate. At least, it’s not accurate in my meditation practice. Meditation is how I practice feeling everything, without avoidance or attachment. There’s nothing mediocre about it. I’ve laughed out loud during meditation. I’ve cried, I’ve been blissful, anxious, angry, enamored, distracted, focused, lonely, whatever. I feel all these things from a place of grounded mindfulness—staying present with my breath, I feel them more fully and with more awareness than if I were to just let them come and go unconsciously, my mind and body disconnected as I run through my day.
You create your own meditation practice. You create your own experience. If your goal is to not feel anything, then go for it. I don’t recommend it, but there are thousands of meditation styles and if it works for you, great. I don’t care about how anyone looks when they’re meditating, because I don’t know what they’re going through or experiencing, and I’ll never know. All I’ll ever know is my own personal practice that I choose to create. It’s often the ideas about meditation that mess with the practice the most. We have an idea of what it should look like, how it should be, what should happen. That’s just a perception, not a practice. You won’t be able to truly create your practice if you’re analyzing and comparing it all the time.
As for horror films, roller coasters, haunted houses: those things are an active choice that you make to entertain yourself. You make the decision to be scared because it’s fun for you. The other kind of fear, the conditioned, unconscious fear, is one that you feel you have no control over. It is not enjoyable or fun.
6. Thich Nhat Hanh says you have to know what makes the other person happy; he says it's enough to just ask her. But that's assuming that that person knows. And that's quite a big assumption. Half of the time I don't know what makes me happy and even if I think I do I might be wrong and it's very much limited by my imagination. There're things that I might like if I try, but at the moment I might not know about them. So again, it sounds to me like an ideal world that can never be achieved. What do you think?
Ah, okay—you’ve actually answered your own question here. Oftentimes you don’t know what you really want. But if you’re asked by someone who really wants to know, then you can actually stop and think about it.
It’s not about the give-and-take dynamic of “Tell me what you want, and you’d better know exactly what it is.” When you ask someone, if you’re truly open and mindful, caring and compassionate, what you’re doing is you’re giving them the space to realize what it is that they really want. It could take them an evening to figure it out, or it could take years. All you need to do is ask and give them the space to figure it out. Stay open to them. Loving communication can be one of the most gratifying and fulfilling activities in life. I’ve only had it in rare glimpses, but I know how it feels to be listened to, to be heard, to have someone care about what really matters to me.
The idea of happiness changes throughout our life. That’s good. What matters is that you and your partner give each other the space, the patience, and the attention to figure out what it means for you to be happy. After that, you can manifest that joy with each other. Again, your presence is enough; the greatest gift to someone is your awareness, your mindful attention. Start there.
7. 'Monks and nuns do not engage in sexual relationships because they want to devote their energy to having a breakthrough in their meditation practice. They learn to channel their sexual energy to strengthen their spirit energy for the breakthrough.' That’s from [Thich Nhat Hanh’s] Teaching on Love. The same book says that they're just rules you need to follow with that sexual energy like having respect and long term commitment etc, and it's just easier for monks to avoid sex in general because it's hard to do it in a right way. The question is: isn't it strange that they claim to know everything about dealing with emotions and energy, but dealing with sexual energy is too hard? And it's against the nature for all people to just redirect this energy - we need it to survive as humanity.
Do we really need to survive as the human race? Why? Who says? Is the answer to all of life’s questions simply generating more and more humans?
Sex is one of the most powerful forces in the world. For humans, it’s a physical, mental, emotional, and sometimes even spiritual experience. It’s also abused and oversaturated and exploited in so many ways. Your own relationship with your body and how you choose to share and experience these things is totally up to you—or at least, it should be.
You can find certain answers through sex, and you can also find answers through a life of sexual sobriety. Having experienced both lifestyles, I can say that I understand both approaches. Sex as an idea, a feeling, an experience, a commitment, takes up a massive amount of energy. If it’s energy well spent, then good. If it’s wasted and mostly meaningless, then I’d rather find a way to optimize that energy towards a deeper understanding of myself and find what truly matters to me.
Monks who have devoted their lives to their beliefs are very committed; at the same time they also have it easy. To be shielded from the outside world, away from where these “hindrances” are so pervasive and constant, can allow them easier access to conquering these feelings, or harnessing their energy in an optimal way. For some, the greater challenge is to live in the modern world and stay grounded in your practice: to engage in everyday life with other people; to run errands, to share yourself with others in whatever capacity you see fit. The real challenge is to know yourself and let yourself live from that place of knowing while the world around you keeps moving and changing.
It would be great to go out into the jungle and live in a hut for a year, no cellphone, no internet, no other people around, no distractions, no vices, just total peace and serenity. But that can be just as much of an escape mentality as any other drug or self-indulgent habit. How do you experience your practice in the hyperconnected world of television, social media, work, school, kids, marriage—how do you practice mindfulness, how do you find balance in the midst of all those things? No disrespect towards monks in monasteries, but it's easier to focus on what you want when you manually eliminate any and all external distractions. You and I have an opportunity to go deeper than many monks can, by staying in the “real world” and figuring out who we really are.
I hope this helps. I really appreciate your curiosity and openness to learning new ideas. I'm happy to talk/write about this with you anytime.
Talk to you soon.
Namaste.